Truths About Men Thus Sayeth Me

Greetings, today I wanted to use my infinite knowledge regarding men (the bepenised species) to impart some truths. Though these truths should be self evident, I suppose they may be unique to my own perception? Yes it is. It’s not really that deep people, this post is as serious as a Members Only jacket.

What Men Say vs. What Men Mean

WHAT MEN SAY:  “I play in a band…” or the more modest, “I play an instrument, well, several, all well.”

“I am about to get sensitive up in here!”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “I play guitar hero better than my coworkers”

“Dude, bro,dude,bro,dude,bro….dude.”

WHAT MEN SAY: “I work on cars.” Implying a basic knowledge of vehicle maintenance and repair.

“I’ve found the problem, we’re overheated.”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “By cursing and throwing tools, no one will doubt my mechanical inclinations” Oh and, “These damn forgein cars! NO ONE can fix them!” No actually it doesn’t take a wizard, it takes a….MECHANIC.

Sssssmart!

WHAT MEN SAY: “I am so good at math, like all other men! Gawd we are so dominant and smart!”

“I am so ready to teach you the ways of the parallelogram. Let me get my…protractor out.”

By protractor I meant…penis. WHAT MEN MEAN: “A pizza is divided into eight equal parts, If I eat 6/8 of that pizza, I by that equation have delicious breakfast in the morning. If I add the sedentary variable, this equation will NOT result in myself being…gross and fat. Let’s have a fart contest.”

“I want to make love, and create baby pizza rolls with you.”

WHAT MEN SAY: “He doesn’t know who he’s messing with, I’m about to kick this guys ass!” Always the implied threat of violence, like all the time, as if you were some kind of walking Judgment Day machine.

“AMERICAAAA”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “Whatever happens, I’m going to use the safety phrase “I don’t want any problems, man.” It’s implied, understood, men who don’t really want to fight but appear like they are bad ass enough to, say this. The phrase is kind of like a code word to abort mission.

“Hold up, I meant nothing, now that you are reciprocating my hostility.”

WHAT MEN SAY: “I am efficient with computers!”

“Look at all this fancy high-tec shit I know how to do.”

WHAT MEN MEAN: “I am efficient at looking at porn, and getting viruses on my computer, then being mad because I can’t listen to Nickelback on Spotify.”

“Ain’t no party like Lemon Party cuz a Lemo- oh shit, shit, she’s home!”

WHAT MEN SAY: “I wouldn’t touch her with HIS dick!”(points at friend and thinks about friend’s penis).

Don’t you fret girl, he’s trying to impress his friends. Liking girls is soooo gay!

WHAT MEN MEAN: “If no one ever, ever knew, there would be no boundaries to the things that I would in fact do. If you add money to that, I’m game. ”

No you do not even have to ask, DUH

Well, there you have it. I’m aware that I am deadly accurate with my opinions facts. Men, you have been exposed.

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59 responses to “Truths About Men Thus Sayeth Me

  1. Once again you have made me ashamed of myself

  2. Made me laugh ridiculously hard in my quiet office at work! So, unbearably true.

  3. So proud to be a part of the bepenised species!

  4. Soooo…. being efficient at looking at porn is a bad thing?

  5. Hilarious! (bepenised LOL)

  6. Don’t forget; WHAT MEN SAY
    “I hate fake boobs; yours are much better.”
    WHAT THEY MEANT: I love BIG TITTIES but I do want you to f*ck me again before I die
    and
    “You are not fat, honey.”
    MEANS:
    “I do want you to f*ck me again before I die…and I am pretty attached to my balls. “

  7. It’s as though you intercepted one of the newsletters that are sent out to all men. You she-devil!

    This was great. 🙂

  8. As a man with a penis or two around here, let me tell you that all of those things are false. Here are true factual truths that are not false:
    You’re fat, it’s just that I still find you attractive.
    Your cooking is mediocre, it’s just that I’m hungry.
    She looks more attractive than you, but hey, the devil you know.
    Yes, I was staring at your rack. But if I had cutouts in my pants or a plunging assline, you’d be staring at my sack cleavage, so we’re even.
    I know you’re up there, but your tits are more interesting than your eyes.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  9. Sheena you’re a hoot I swear. lol

  10. Pingback: Real Truths About Men Sayeth Me « Edward Hotspur

  11. You are a real asshat magnet it would seem. Lol. You need to find that sweet nerdy smart ass that can stimulate you more than impress you.

    • I am mostly kidding, really. It’s funny you say that I go nuts over physically active nerds specifically.That’s definitely what I date, not the guys that need to try to impress me. I am just not moved by anything more than deep (nerdy) conversation.

  12. your posts always make me think, really deep. 😛

  13. I guess I am not like most men. I am honest to a woman that I can’t fix a car. I did played the tenor sax in high school and am trying to get back to it. I don’t play video games. I don’t think about doing things with other guys’ penises. BTW, can you tell me how you add pictures to the posts? I can’t figure it out.

    • Hey there sorry for the delay, the help section goes step by step on how to add. Mine are unimaginative google images which I copy the url. You can inbox me my email if you have more questions!

  14. Funny!!!! Women say be honest…. what they really mean is Lie to me because if you dont someone else will!!!! You have a great sense of humor; what do i really mean by that????

    • I would prefer the truth but if I found out that a dude ate pizza for all three meals…I wouldn’t want to know! What a vicious cycle! I suppose I just want the truth on big things like murder? Yeah homicide is a deal breaker 🙂 When you say I have a good sense of humor you mean……hmmmm. I don’t know! Hopefully I do! Thanks.

  15. With the exception of the musician angle (I leave that to the pros) you’ve taken all my ammunition… Why do you expose us like that? Ugh…. back to the drawing board!

    • I am holding out for a guy to claim magical powers!

      • Good luck with that! I think I’m bitten by spiders more than the national average. Not sure why… and every time I hope to get some sort of powers out of it but, nope, it just ends up being pain and swelling! Ima try getting struck by lightning next!

  16. I really am good at Guitar Hero though!

  17. Well…..Slap me down and call me nakid !!!

  18. Dammit! Everytime I bend over in a cleavage revealing top I am going to get a mental flash of that last photo! Gah! It’s there even when I close my eyes….

  19. well …. you found me out at the very first picture caption.

  20. You make me laugh. I feel like you’re my lady soulmate (not in a creeper way…promise).

  21. not all men are like that, many are capable of actually fixing things, and don’t eat pizza, and actually turn down sex(with ones like in the pic, not hots) yea, we really do exist. problem is, women dont think we “need them” and never really believe you like/love them without that “need” factor. this is truth.

    • Well, this is totally meant to be silly, but yeah women poop on nice guys, truth. I’m not sure what causes the vicious cycle…and it sucks.

      • my theory is that advertising entities, which make billions every year, have waged a specific effort to separate people, particularly families from “dad” – by making all men look like buffoons. The side effects get boyfriends, friends, brothers, etc.

      • Well, they do make men look like dummies. There’s a lot going on there, it seems we tried to change conventional relationship standards but didn’t have a plan to do it. Now we just have a whole lotta babies being made…plus, women don’t let men treat them all that great, it’s considered weak? I don’t know, I don’t feel that way…I just write a blog to amuse myself 🙂

  22. God, are we really that shallow? Loved it!

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