Greetings, today I wanted to use my infinite knowledge regarding men (the bepenised species) to impart some truths. Though these truths should be self evident, I suppose they may be unique to my own perception? Yes it is. It’s not really that deep people, this post is as serious as a Members Only jacket.
What Men Say vs. What Men Mean
WHAT MEN SAY: “I play in a band…” or the more modest, “I play an instrument, well, several, all well.”
WHAT MEN MEAN: “I play guitar hero better than my coworkers”
WHAT MEN SAY: “I work on cars.” Implying a basic knowledge of vehicle maintenance and repair.
WHAT MEN MEAN: “By cursing and throwing tools, no one will doubt my mechanical inclinations” Oh and, “These damn forgein cars! NO ONE can fix them!” No actually it doesn’t take a wizard, it takes a….MECHANIC.
WHAT MEN SAY: “I am so good at math, like all other men! Gawd we are so dominant and smart!”
By protractor I meant…penis. WHAT MEN MEAN: “A pizza is divided into eight equal parts, If I eat 6/8 of that pizza, I by that equation have delicious breakfast in the morning. If I add the sedentary variable, this equation will NOT result in myself being…gross and fat. Let’s have a fart contest.”
WHAT MEN SAY: “He doesn’t know who he’s messing with, I’m about to kick this guys ass!” Always the implied threat of violence, like all the time, as if you were some kind of walking Judgment Day machine.
WHAT MEN MEAN: “Whatever happens, I’m going to use the safety phrase “I don’t want any problems, man.” It’s implied, understood, men who don’t really want to fight but appear like they are bad ass enough to, say this. The phrase is kind of like a code word to abort mission.
WHAT MEN SAY: “I am efficient with computers!”
WHAT MEN MEAN: “I am efficient at looking at porn, and getting viruses on my computer, then being mad because I can’t listen to Nickelback on Spotify.”
WHAT MEN SAY: “I wouldn’t touch her with HIS dick!”(points at friend and thinks about friend’s penis).
WHAT MEN MEAN: “If no one ever, ever knew, there would be no boundaries to the things that I would in fact do. If you add money to that, I’m game. ”
Well, there you have it. I’m aware that I am deadly accurate with my
opinions facts. Men, you have been exposed.