I hate winter. I hate it more than almost everything, except maybe Nancy Grace talking about her kids and kids on leashes. If our seasons had an asshole, winter would be the physical manifestation of one. Personifying winter only antagonizes my hate because it gives it focus. With one obvious reason to hate winter, (it’s fucking cold) I happen to have many, many reasons for such disdain. I hate winter so much I am about to get specific and this is only a morsel off the buffet of reasons winter sucks.
My Son Takes Twice as Long to Get in the Car
It never fails that while I hold open the door, that he’s still a little too small to properly open and shut, he cannot just make a straight line to the car. He actually stops to pick things off the ground, points at nothing in the sky, or suddenly realizes the earth is a beautiful place full of fantasy and wonder. In my mind I am screaming, “I will leave you here like Kevin McCallister if you don’t come on!” and yet I say, “Come on sweetie, we need to go.” I say this with patience…twice. It seems the cold effects his hearing as well, because he walks slower. I reach panic mode when the wind whips around me and I instantly want to give God a big warm hug in heaven. I then say, “Kid, you got to move your body faster, like much faster, now. If you love humanity you’ll get in this car.” Puzzled, he gets in the vehicle. How he is impervious to the deadly cold (albeit 40 degree) weather, I don’t know. I just saw a tunnel of white light and heard “Candle In the Wind” playing.
Warming Up the Vehicle
I have always been a fan of key, ignition, gas, and go. I hate having to let my car warm up. For starters, I forget and it makes me late, quite often. I walk outside and and for shit’s sake!!! There’s frost all over the window. This will put me ten minutes behind, meaning my coffee stop allotment is…18 seconds. Trust, I love coffee, ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no river wide enough…etc, etc. My last job was probably the worst job I’ve had to date. When I got off work there, I couldn’t vacate the premises fast enough or with enough middle fingers in the air as I peeled out. No joke I would Tokyo drift out that bitch it was so miserable there. We weren’t allowed to go to our car to warm it up before leaving, so you can imagine how unhappy I was about the whole situation. I could either start my car up and wait in the deepest level of Dante’s hell, or I could go back inside that fortress of doom and wait for my car to warm up (which to me would be like a POW hanging out an extra day with his captors upon gaining freedom) or leave with a cold engine. Well, I chose speed away with teeth chattering, my engine may suffer but better that than stifling my loosely veiled disgust for all the turdburglers working in there. I can only be professional for eight hours, after hours it’s beyond my control. I no longer work there, coincidentally, I don’t pray for a 40 day flood to get me out of work anymore either.
Starbucks Makes Itself Suck More as a Corporation Hell Bent on my Unhappiness.
I don’t really even go to Starbucks until winter, why then? Well I’ll tell you, keep your pants on. Cafe Mocha, it’s got enough sugar and chocolate to make Paula Dean swoon ya’ll, and add butter…and well she’s getting the vapors for this drink. Considering I have the cold tolerance of any nursing home resident, this is a favorite warm treat. I hold it’s hot goodness in my hands, and can feel blood circulating in my marbled fingers again. I smell the chocolaty aroma and my heart is human. I drink, and I feel a satiating warmth that only a redneck in a bed full of Bloodhounds and cousins could feel on such a chilly day. Guess who seems to not have their chocolate syrup when yours truly stops by? Starbucks. Guess who never has one element of any drink and bad customer service in addition to poor inventory management? The Starbucks in my local bookstore (bastards). I found some local shops that have some yummy things, but I can’t help that the Cafe Mocha specifically, from this evil corporate chain, completes me.
There are many reasons to hate winter. Christmas music that starts in October and driving in the snow. Perhaps it’s being inside so much you realize that Law and Order is on a 25 (yep) hour rotation, it never goes off…the sun rises and sets with that show as if it’s the British Empire in the days of yore. Seasonal Affective Disorder is the worst, amazing how sunlight weighs so heavily on my mood. Suck it winter. One day I’ll defeat you.