S.A.D. Makes me Sad

My most emo days are snow days

I hate winter. I hate it more than almost everything, except maybe Nancy Grace talking about her kids and kids on leashes. If our seasons had an asshole, winter would be the physical manifestation of one. Personifying winter only antagonizes my hate because it gives it focus. With one obvious reason to hate winter, (it’s fucking cold) I happen to have many, many reasons for such disdain. I hate winter so much I am about to get specific and this is only a morsel off the buffet of reasons winter sucks.

My Son Takes Twice as Long to Get in the Car

You want to take your own car kid?Didn’t think so.

It never fails that while I hold open the door, that he’s still a little too small to properly open and shut, he cannot just make a straight line to the car. He actually stops to pick things off the ground, points at nothing in the sky, or suddenly realizes the earth is a beautiful place full of fantasy and wonder. In my mind I am screaming, “I will leave you here like Kevin McCallister if you don’t come on!” and yet I say, “Come on sweetie, we need to go.” I say this with patience…twice. It seems the cold effects his hearing as well, because he walks slower. I reach panic mode when the wind whips around me and I instantly want to give God a big warm hug in heaven. I then say, “Kid, you got to move your body faster, like much faster, now. If you love humanity you’ll get in this car.” Puzzled, he gets in the vehicle. How he is impervious to the deadly cold (albeit 40 degree) weather, I don’t know. I just saw a tunnel of white light and heard “Candle In the Wind” playing.

Warming Up the Vehicle

Quitting time = blatant disregard for all life even my own…

I have always been a fan of key, ignition, gas, and go. I hate having to let my car warm up. For starters, I forget and it makes me late, quite often. I walk outside and and for shit’s sake!!! There’s frost all over the window. This will put me ten minutes behind, meaning my coffee stop allotment is…18 seconds. Trust, I love coffee, ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no river wide enough…etc, etc. My last job was probably the worst job I’ve had to date. When I got off work there, I couldn’t vacate the premises fast enough or with enough middle fingers in the air as I peeled out. No joke I would Tokyo drift out that bitch it was so miserable there. We weren’t allowed to go to our car to warm it up before leaving, so you can imagine how unhappy I was about the whole situation. I could either start my car up and wait in the deepest level of Dante’s hell, or I could go back inside that fortress of doom and wait for my car to warm up (which to me would be like a POW hanging out an extra day with his captors upon gaining freedom) or leave with a cold engine. Well, I chose speed away with teeth chattering, my engine may suffer but better that than stifling my loosely veiled disgust for all the turdburglers working in there. I can only be professional for eight hours, after hours it’s beyond my control.  I no longer work there, coincidentally, I don’t pray for a 40 day flood to get me out of work anymore either.

Starbucks Makes Itself Suck More as a Corporation Hell Bent on my Unhappiness.

Dean got hit in the face with a ham? That’s what this picture is. How did I miss that?

I don’t really even go to Starbucks until winter, why then? Well I’ll tell you, keep your pants on.  Cafe Mocha, it’s got enough sugar and chocolate to make Paula Dean swoon ya’ll, and add butter…and well she’s getting the vapors for this drink. Considering I have the cold tolerance of any nursing home resident, this is a favorite warm treat. I hold it’s hot goodness in my hands, and can feel blood circulating in my marbled fingers again. I smell the chocolaty aroma and my heart is human. I drink, and I feel a satiating warmth that only a redneck in a bed full of Bloodhounds and cousins could feel on such a chilly day. Guess who seems to not have their chocolate syrup when yours truly stops by? Starbucks. Guess who never has one element of any drink and bad customer service in addition to poor inventory management? The Starbucks in my local bookstore (bastards). I found some local shops that have some yummy things, but I can’t help that the Cafe Mocha specifically, from this evil corporate chain, completes me.

If you buy the box set…you’re surely the dumbest person ever. The show is an eternal flame.

There are many reasons to hate winter. Christmas music that starts in October and driving in the snow. Perhaps it’s being inside so much you realize that Law and Order is on a 25 (yep) hour rotation, it never goes off…the sun rises and sets with that show as if it’s the British Empire in the days of yore. Seasonal Affective Disorder is the worst, amazing how sunlight weighs so heavily on my mood. Suck it winter. One day I’ll defeat you.


26 responses to “S.A.D. Makes me Sad

  1. Oh babe, I feel for you. You should totally come and live here instead!

  2. gingerjudgesyou

    Despise the winter! Luckily, it’s summer now!

  3. We are kindred spirits. I hate being cold. It, like, actually pisses me off, I think. And kids ARE oblivious to cold. You ever notice it can be 75 degrees outside and the pool water can be 45 and kids are in the pool, teeth chattering, lips purple, and they DO NOT want to get out of that pool? Same thing with snow. Frozen mittens, snot frozen to their noses… and they wanna drag that sled back up the hill one more time.

    • Children are not human…wait that makes no sense…They amaze me though especially the pool thing, I can’t start swimming until June b/c right after labor day the water is freezing!

  4. Haha! This is GREAT. Very funny. Though I can’t imagine Tennessee winters are anything like the New Hampshire or Boston ones I used to know. Still, I might suggest one way to defeat your enemy. . . become it, meaning “have a mind of winter” as Wallace Stevens says: http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stevens-snowman.html

    • Thanks, and no I have been to Boston in winter and I thought I was surely going to die. I have never seen snow like that plus ppl wouldn’t stop freaking asking me to say, “Tennessee” so they could laugh at me 🙂 ha ha, this poem seems like he may not like winter any more than me!

  5. Hopefully the picture of Paula Dean taking it in the face had the same positive effect on you as it did on me.

    I don’t live where it’s cold, but when I did, climbing into a pre-warmed car was one of life’s pleasures.

  6. One word: California

    • I want to be there! I have mentioned before I sorely miss Texas weather, from what I remember as a child, I saw snow once…for fifteen minutes and then played in shorts outside on Christmas Eve…poop on Tennessee.

      • I would love to travel to more states. I’ve never been to Texas or Tenn. I have a fascination with the New England states, but not sure I could handle the winters.

  7. Ha! This winter-lovin’ shoeshoein’ skiin’ snowmobilin’ Yankee from the frozen depths of Vermont’s Cold Hollow Mountains laughs at you shivering shaking quaking southern Wussies. 🙂

    The Russians have a saying: It’s not a bad winter, it’s bad clothes.

    I live 55 miles from Mount Washington, NH, home of the worst weather on record for the continental US. We dance in the streets here naked when the temperature crawls above freezing.

    As for the much-aligned holidays, Christmas in New England (particularly Stowe, Vermont) is world famous for it’s beauty and nostalgia.

    I know your post was tongue-in-cheek (this is not a genital reference, although I hesitate to click on your ‘genital’ tag), but we Northerners do smile smugly when we see y’all complaining about 40 degree temperatures and a bit of windsheild frost.

    Highly entertaining. 🙂

  8. Tennessee is that bad? I mean I get upset about 35 degrees but it does sound like you’re really suffering. How sweet is your little man, though?! cuteness.

  9. As someone who lives in California, I have to say that it’s fantastic. Really. I’m not someone who loves the sun and the beach, but boy do I love being able to go outside without thinking. I mean, on my best days I can keep three thoughts in my head at a time. Back when I lived in New England, during the winter those thoughts would have to be:
    1. Winter coat.
    2. Gloves.
    3. Boots.
    On my good days, I’d also remember my scarf, but then my brain would be all used up for the day.

  10. Ho! Ho! Ho! I love Winter:Time of rest and renewal.So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! Bundle up but don’t stand to close to the fire and pass that that bottle of Jack over here,if you wouldn’t mind please. Roll with it gal.

  11. I’m right there with ya. The cold is awful. Luckily I’m in Texas where we rarely get snow, but nothing drives me crazy like the cold, wet wind that blows every which way here. I lived in Alaska as a kid and people really do get S.A.D. up there a lot. Never in a million years would I suggest someone live there in the winter.

  12. If you ever move to Singapore or another equatorial country around these parts, it’s summer all the time. But not the good summer… it’s the humid, “I want to just lie down and die” kinda heat. You’ll never need to warm up your engine, but you might have to blast the a/c a little so that you don’t singe your fingers on your steering wheel.

  13. Sorry, I love winter, love the fact I don’t have to wander around naked to just get a normal temperature. I may even need to put on long trousers, sometimes even shoes in winter. Snow – I

  14. Winter in the Pacific Northwest is wet. By the time the rain slows in March, we have mushrooms growing between our toes. i could definitely skip November to February…either by travelling south or putting myself into a self-induced I-hate-winter coma.

  15. You wrote this very well and I was so taken in by the spell of your writing, that I was thinking ‘Yeah! Fuckin’ winter sucks!!!’ Then you mentioned “Christmas music that starts in October…” and I’m like ‘Yeah! I hate that fuckin’ shit too!!!’ And then, I thought, ‘Wait a minute… it’s June 19th, right?’ (ran to check calendar just to be sure) Yep, no doubt about it, it’s June 19th and it’s supposed to be 97 degrees here tomorrow!

    Good post, but you really shouldn’t get me all worked up like that, Sheena… I’m also thinking that I really need to get outside more often these days. Lol 🙂

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