Protocol for the Stupid

I don’t like going to the doctor. I dislike the full spectrum of the healthcare experience from the receptionist who talks like she eats her own jerk face, to the Family Circle magazines, to kids coughing their pathogenic droplets all about the waiting room. Needless to say, I will try to tough out any ailment I can at home.

Me? Doctor? Nah bro, I’m cool.

I am aware that patient education is a portion of the healthcare spectrum. Sometimes though, I wish it were a little subjective. It just seems like, despite legality issues, when alone in that exam room, the doctor could just keep it real.

“And here, Ms. Smith is a list of reasons why your concerns are stupid.”

UTI or Urinary Tract Infection is probably pretty familiar to the ladies. You, know with our short urethra that has an affinity for attracting bacteria and supporting our decision to watch reality TV shows about wedding dresses. You may know first hand that each voiding feels like you angered a nest of fire ants…with your genitals.

“Put on some Black Eyed Peas this party is going to get ridunkulous”

Men, are more fortunate in this area being that their urethra is much longer than the female urethra. The bacteria has much further to travel before they reach the bladder, ingest bath salts, party their ass off and leave you with a bladder infection.

“I won’t take sulfur and I will pee in every movie, it’s in my contract!”

That being established, most women know when they have a bladder infection. It’s painfully obvious, literally. So, you go to the doctor, and supply a specimen for testing.

“Yep, it’s a UTI”

The doctor returns to tell you what you probably already know. I understand there’s a first time for everything and maybe the patient is not fully aware what’s going on. I’ve only had three of these in my life and the first time I thought I would go into renal failure and be on dialysis for life. Imagine my relief when I only needed antibiotics (and perhaps less alcohol). My last UTI was only about a year ago, I presented my symptoms: blasphemous statements during urination (I’m so sorry baby Jesus). I knew the drill. I just wanted those magic pills to make my bladder rejoice.

Imagine my surprise when the doctor returned with the diagnosis (duh) and began patient education. She went on to actually tell me to wipe “front to back”. I wanted to stop her right there with, “What the fuck yo? You serious right now? Shut your mouth! What am I? Stupid?!” Here I am, at the time 27 years old, being told to wipe my poopsie correctly. She did the correct application underhanded wiping motion, I remember vividly.

The motion was mortifying and I could take no more. I had to interrupt and say “I know, thank you.” I’m sorry lady, I know this is your profession, and I know you’re probably required…but you’re embarrassing me. I suppose next thing she’ll tell me this is a bad idea…

“Call that Japanese guy, tell him it’s a no go, doc says something about unsanitary conditions and Hep A. We can still visit Threedog though…”

I suppose stupidity is common enough that it’s really necessary to tell an adult something like this. Probably Nickelback fans…yeah I didn’t factor in that variable. My bad.


48 responses to “Protocol for the Stupid

  1. Ohmygawd, you are so disgusting and I’m so with you. Neat thing to look forward to in 20 years….you think you have a UTI but ta dah!!! you don’t! It’s a fluttering bladder and will never go away!!! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

    • I take cranberry supplements and dandelion root just to avoid this…I love my kidneys…and bladder. I fear 20 years from now…sheesh us women have it rough in that department. I know I am so gross. I’m glad the blogging community lets me reach the ends of grossness. 🙂

  2. Thanks god! I am 22 and haven’t had it once! my sis and mum had it though =P I could barely be around them 😛

    • Well pregnancy made me get a horrendous one and the other I found out it was a tomato kick that caused it, they’re more acidic than oranges thus hard on the urinary tract, you learn…the hard way!

      • Wow, it is a good thing I don’t like tomatoes then? and boo hoo for getting it after pregnancy for that may happen sooner in my life than expected, this is what happens to over-enthusiastic girls 😛


  4. I love these gynecological discussions.They bring to mind the music of the late Frank Zappa, who wrote this gem:
    View on YouTube:
    Why does it hurt when i pee?
    Why does it hurt when i pee?
    I dont want no doctor,
    To stick no needle in me.
    Why does it hurt when i pee?

    I got it from my toilet seat.
    I got it from my toilet seat.
    It jumped right up,
    And grabbed my meat.
    I got it from my toilet seat.



    [ From: ]
    My balls feel like a pair of maracas.
    My balls feel like a pair of maracas.
    Oh god. I probably got,
    The ghono,ca,ca,ca,cas.
    My balls feel like a pair of maracas.

    Ay, Ay, Ay.

    Why does it,

    Why does it,
    Why does it,
    Why does it,

  5. So thankful for my extra-long, infection resistant urethra!
    Doctor’s offices are the only time I get to read People Magazine.

    • Oh what a shame. I got a free subcription when I bought a lot of books at Borders or some book store like two years ago…and I still get this magazine…FML I don’t even like it.

  6. “Bacteria doing bath salts in your bladder”- *laughs audibly*-.That’s silly. I like it. UTIs are awful times ten.

  7. Sheena,
    You’re painfully funny. And kudos on your for adding Nickleback in your post. Can’t wait to see what traffic you’ll drive in with that one.
    Le Clown

  8. It’s pretty bad when you spend enough time in Dr.s’ offices to have to come prepared. I hate stale old vapid magazines even more than I hate Montel, Jerry Springer and/or the Judge du jour. The TV is never going to be turned on anything good unless you actually like those talk show type awful interview shows that are only on when most people are at work. I try to bring my DS whenever I am put in situations where I have to sit and wait with nothing constructive to do. I am a hopeless Type A personality and I always have to be doing something.

    For me the worst Dr visit is to the gynecologist. I like the Dr. OK and he did a great job on my hysterectomy and the extensive associated repairs, but being an old cougar sitting in a Dr.’s office where their main biz is delivering babies seems sort of weird. Especially when all I’m there for is for a mammogram and for the Dr to make sure his repair work is holding out. It just seems so creepy to sit and wait amidst the sea of much younger, mostly pregnant women. Especially when I’m the one playing solitaire on the DS. 🙂

    • Ha ha ha I heart you! I can’t wait for your comments! Girl doc visits are rough b/c I can’t decide on which gender makes me less uncomfortable…maybe a robot?

  9. That sucks. I know people who chug cranberry juice to ward them off, though. But guys can get them. At least guy kitties. My little boy had one so bad he had to have surgery–they had to shorten his urethra so it wouldn’t happen again. Basically, they made him a girl kitty. So I guess it could be worse on the humiliation scale…

    • It sucks and yes men get them too, just not as easy as women. Us ladies have to avoid irritating soaps in the bath tub and must go strait to the ladies room after getting busy. I suppose it’s not as bad as the enlarged prostate men can get. I saw that in nursing school, holy crap, that looks miserable!

  10. I like Nickleback >:| Only you can make a UTI funny

  11. My conversations with the doctor are along the lines of
    “If I don’t need to know or won’t understand it, don’t tell me. Where do I sign?”
    we have an understanding.

  12. The same reason they have to put warnings on coffee cups about how the contents are “HOT!” and warning on things that say “Not for human consumption…” etcetc. because somewhere along the way some moron, some time, tried it and got hurt.

  13. I learned so much about female biology today.. Thank you.

  14. A friend of mine is a doctor and he said he once had a pregnant woman ask if she was allowed to take a bath. She thought it would drown the baby.

    Maybe the doctors could give an IQ test first and then determine your level of necessary education.

    • whaoh…she bred…sheesh. Yeah doc’s could do that, perhaps it’s easier to cover all bases and I totally get that legally, they have to. I still get embarrased though!

  15. Don’t know what to say except lol and ouch!!! Happy i have the extra long pipework now!!! 🙂

  16. Why are our vaginas so complicated?!

  17. Been away from WP for a while, so I’m behind on catching up with my favorite blogs, and also yours too. (kidding!) Sorry you went thru the whole UTI experience, and having a doc explain to you how to wipe correctly. But yes, stupidity is common enough that it’s really necessary to tell an adult something like this. (earlier comment on pregnant woman fearing a bath could drown her unborn baby is a case in point)

    Short urethra causing UTI – I think that women get the short end in so many ways, which is why I’ll always be thankful that at conception, my chromosomal coin toss came up heads instead of tails. But you turned your discomfort into a very funny post, anyway! Nice work! 🙂

  18. Okay, I’ve realized that my attempt at original humor with “chromosomal coin toss” joke is lame and most likely offensive to most women. Asked my wife, who was quick to confirm this is true. So, sorry about that – I was honestly attempting to be sympathetic, but I got it all wrong… It happens sometimes, and sorry it happened here with you.

    • Ah poo, haven’t read it yet…I doubt I will be offended, it’s cool. ha ha 🙂

      • Well, in any case I felt that a preemptive apology was in order. Especially after I told my wife, and she got all upset and yelled at me “You said THAT to another woman?! How DARE you say something like THAT to another woman?! You promise me right now Chris, that from now on, you’ll only say sexist and offensive things about women to ME and only to ME!!!”

        I could see that she felt very strongly about this issue, so I figured that I better take my sexist and offensive to women joke back ASAP, and keep it at home where it belongs. Lol

      • ha ha it’s all good, but yeah prob not a good idea w/ most women

  19. I feel your pain. Well actually I don’t and hope I never will, but your post here brought it alive and I loved the comments with the pics. Inspired. 🙂

  20. Since I’m not a girl and you didn’t explain otherwise I’m just going to assume from that pic that doctors taste test for UTIs. Girls are weird.

    • ha ha, I assume they do too! You put the sample in this little window to the “lab” at most doc offices…and I just know this is what goes on…:D

  21. You should always seek early treatment for bladder infection coz it can become more severe. ”

    Our blog site

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