Facts About The Penes

Today I’m taking you to school, penis school, the plural of penis is penes (pronounced like weenies). Today you will learn facts, facts that make you smart, almost as smart as me. Let the smartening commence:

Fact #1

Diphallia, penile duplication (PD), diphallic terata and diphallasparatus are all acceptable names for a very rare medical condition that results in a male being born with not one, but two penes. I like to call this condition, “Stevie Ray Vaughan and the Double Trouble” or “La Hydra“. By rare I mean, 1 in 5,500,000 menfolk suffer this condition and uncomfortable briefs in America.

While you can make a sweet “helicopter” action, you may also suffer from sterility. This is not be confused with genital bisection which happens to be an elective procedure for absolute weirdos that want their penis to look like a hot dog bun.

Look at all the dicks in this picture!

Fact # 2

Nature has the sense of humor of a twelve year old. The Penis Plant, the Penis Cactus or less commonly known Trichocereus bridgesii looks like, well, a pot full of human dicks. Right now I’m online trying to purchase one because let’s face it, this is going to be hilarious to give to grandma on Christmas Day. What’s better is  in Germany, this plant is classified as a Frauenglück which translates to “women’s joy”. I love Germans, I love their level of weird too.

Fact #3

In New Guinea, it’s tradition for the native males to don a koteka, or a penis gourd over their genitals. Fashioned from dry gourds they are held by strings. One tribe wears two gourds, no they do not have Diphallia, they use the secondary gourd to carry their belongings like wallet and cell phone? Yep.

“The Man” or the “Govment” don’t approve of the fashion statement and in the  70’s they attempted to put a stop to this with “Operasi Koteka” (“Operation Penis Gourd”). This sounds pretty covert and high tech right? Well it seems the government was really trying to encourage the tribesmen to wear modern clothes like gym shorts and t-shirts. It didn’t go over well since the people within the tribe were not used to wearing these items nor were they aware that they should wash them. Kotekas are not allowed in government buildings so you better bust out your best pair of Umbros for the library. Adversely the tribesmen of New Guinea refuse to wear socks with sandals claiming it to be “Like, the worst fashion faux pas ever”.

“I want my gourd back, NOW”

Fact #4

Animals really do bone each other. A baculum is a bone found in the penis of many mamals. Humans, dolphins, whales and most marsupials are some of the few that are the exception to this of course. Not that marsupials follow mammal rules anyway. Hence the duck bill platypus, the animal that gives evolution a middle finger. Like, “Fuck you, I’m a mammal that lays eggs, let your science teacher explain that!” What a troubled genus.

Scientists and like, other smart people believe that humans lost these through the years due to our tendency to copulate less than other primates (hmmm really?). Well, unless your Mormon or a Dugger. Basically, monkeys sex it up all day every day so they can extend their species and they have a built in “Performance Enhancer” at all times. So, no calling in for a free sample of Enzyte for these guys, they’re too busy disfiguring people who try to understand them anyhow.

Fossilized walrus baculum: DAYUMMM!!! 

Fact # 5

The oldest dildo to date is comprised of siltsone and approximately 30,000 years old. It was found in the Hohle Fels Cave of Germany, the prehistoric Hustler. So, it seems my high school English teacher did not own the world’s oldest dildo…though she was ancient.

THIS is educational.


I hope you learned a lot today and I also hope you got a mental image of your own high school teachers. Until next time, my fellow penes.


25 responses to “Facts About The Penes

  1. Oh, penes–they will now be on my mind of the rest of this day and probably all day tomorrow, and maybe every day after that.

  2. Although this was an awesome article, trust me–after years of hands-on research and occasional field-testing, there’s nothing you can tell me about the one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missile of love.

  3. Hilarious as well as educational! 😀

    I feel very fortunate to say that the closest I ever came to “penile duplication” was when in 8th grade, they forced the boys and girls gym classes to combine, in order to teach us “Ballroom Dancing” together. (seriously!)

    Knowing all too well at the time, I had an unpredictable member that would often rise to the occasion in public and at the worst possible time, I tried to prepare in advance for an unwanted appearance of that all too obvious diagonal bulge in the left side of my pants.

    And how did I prepare? By bringing along a roll of quarters in my back pocket, that I could quickly move into my right pocket, so if one eyed willie got obvious by making me look unbalanced on my left side, I could use the roll of quarters on my right side, and then at least I’d look symmetrical, and my true condition would look less obvious. Or so I thought…

    But on “Ball Room Dancing” day in the gym, my plan turned into a humiliating disaster when I actually tried it. When the girl who was to be my dancing partner approached me close enough to see, her eyes instantly grew wide as she screamed “OH MY GAWD! HE’S GOT TWO OF ‘EM!!!” and she ran screaming away in terror!

    The next 4-1/2 years of high school were very hard for me, and there’s still some people laughing even today, whenever they remember my hilarious for them, but humiliating for me, “Ball Room Dancing” day disaster! 😦

  4. Pingback: Ball Room Dancing Disaster!!! | Word Play

  5. Thanks Sheena, and I’m very glad that you enjoyed it. 🙂 I figured that I kinda owed ya, after that overwritten and overwrought mess I made in your comments section on another recent post.

    • I don’t care I love comments. As long as it’s a good rant or interesting. That cat post I did…had some long long boring comments…that i coulndn’t read anymore bc I still don’t want to own a cat.

  6. Love it – Thanks for the smartening!

  7. Are those actual dildos? Or are they broken off pieces of marble statues? Come to think of it, did the ancient Greeks vandalize statues in order to score a free dildo? No wait… those marble peens are usually pretty tiny and flaccid, right?

    • Yeah it was considered comical almost to put a huge penis on a statue in Greece and Rome, I forget why though…I did read up on it. I suppose these are ancient dildos or at least they’re supposed to be ha ha

  8. I had a friend in high school that was remarkably well endowed.He could actually tie that bad boy in a knot! We nicknamed him tripod.

  9. Did you know snakes have “hemipenes”?- Yes our male reptile friends have a sort of inside-out forked penis. I am one of those weird people who keep reptiles- we have a male ball python and a very, old, very cranky female red-tailed boa. Other than the fact they eat live rats, having snakes isn’t all that creepy. The ball python is actually easy to handle. The boa, not so much.

    The way to definitively determine a snake’s gender is by a process called probing- http://www.pilbarapythons.com/sexing.htm – and no, I don’t have the courage to do it. Ours were probed before we got them.

    But as far as humans covering the penes goes, I think they’re still having trouble in some of the outlying areas of this country as to appropriate coverage (remember the ’80’s track shorts) and the laundering of said garments. It’s not just a New Guinea problem. Check out any rural Ohio WalMart and you’ll see (and smell should you be downwind) what I mean.

  10. You missed one glorified penis tradition–they huge (like 6ft tall) marble penis statues in ancient Rome. We visited when I was a teenager and I remember walking through a garden to find a giant penis on legs. We were told it was good luck to stroke it. I was going to say I had a hard time with the concept, but that’s a little too punny even for me.

  11. I feel much less of a dick now I know these facts…

  12. The facts are interesting. Looking forward to your post on the utility and sensations of the different varieties.

  13. As long as the topic is open –be careful fish in a Korean restaurant.

    Penis Fish

  14. HAHAHA! penes scare me. they’re so ugly! i just close my eyes…

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