Today I’m taking you to school, penis school, the plural of penis is penes (pronounced like weenies). Today you will learn facts, facts that make you smart, almost as smart as me. Let the smartening commence:
Diphallia, penile duplication (PD), diphallic terata and diphallasparatus are all acceptable names for a very rare medical condition that results in a male being born with not one, but two penes. I like to call this condition, “Stevie Ray Vaughan and the Double Trouble” or “La Hydra“. By rare I mean, 1 in 5,500,000 menfolk suffer this condition and uncomfortable briefs in America.
While you can make a sweet “helicopter” action, you may also suffer from sterility. This is not be confused with genital bisection which happens to be an elective procedure for absolute weirdos that want their penis to look like a hot dog bun.
Fact # 2
Nature has the sense of humor of a twelve year old. The Penis Plant, the Penis Cactus or less commonly known Trichocereus bridgesii looks like, well, a pot full of human dicks. Right now I’m online trying to purchase one because let’s face it, this is going to be hilarious to give to grandma on Christmas Day. What’s better is in Germany, this plant is classified as a Frauenglück which translates to “women’s joy”. I love Germans, I love their level of weird too.
In New Guinea, it’s tradition for the native males to don a koteka, or a penis gourd over their genitals. Fashioned from dry gourds they are held by strings. One tribe wears two gourds, no they do not have Diphallia, they use the secondary gourd to carry their belongings like wallet and cell phone? Yep.
“The Man” or the “Govment” don’t approve of the fashion statement and in the 70’s they attempted to put a stop to this with “Operasi Koteka” (“Operation Penis Gourd”). This sounds pretty covert and high tech right? Well it seems the government was really trying to encourage the tribesmen to wear modern clothes like gym shorts and t-shirts. It didn’t go over well since the people within the tribe were not used to wearing these items nor were they aware that they should wash them. Kotekas are not allowed in government buildings so you better bust out your best pair of Umbros for the library. Adversely the tribesmen of New Guinea refuse to wear socks with sandals claiming it to be “Like, the worst fashion faux pas ever”.
Animals really do bone each other. A baculum is a bone found in the penis of many mamals. Humans, dolphins, whales and most marsupials are some of the few that are the exception to this of course. Not that marsupials follow mammal rules anyway. Hence the duck bill platypus, the animal that gives evolution a middle finger. Like, “Fuck you, I’m a mammal that lays eggs, let your science teacher explain that!” What a troubled genus.
Scientists and like, other smart people believe that humans lost these through the years due to our tendency to copulate less than other primates (hmmm really?). Well, unless your Mormon or a Dugger. Basically, monkeys sex it up all day every day so they can extend their species and they have a built in “Performance Enhancer” at all times. So, no calling in for a free sample of Enzyte for these guys, they’re too busy disfiguring people who try to understand them anyhow.
Fact # 5
The oldest dildo to date is comprised of siltsone and approximately 30,000 years old. It was found in the Hohle Fels Cave of Germany, the prehistoric Hustler. So, it seems my high school English teacher did not own the world’s oldest dildo…though she was ancient.
I hope you learned a lot today and I also hope you got a mental image of your own high school teachers. Until next time, my fellow penes.