Opening Acts Don’t Get Love

Greetings and salutations fellow blogonians. Quick show of hands here, how many of you have gone to a concert for the opening act? Did you raise your hand at the computer? Sheesh.

Okay so, the answer is going to vary from yes to no, the opening act is balls. I lean way more towards the last statement. For example, I recently went to a Bush concert. I did feel rather old and uncool when I stood in line with thirty somethings in Affliction shirts with their fancy jeans. By fancy jeans I mean these unisex (I think they’re girl pants but bitch dudes and Brazilians wear them) jeans with distressed stitches and bedazzled crosses on the back pockets.

There are actually vagina magnets in the pockets

I also stood in front of a guy who, I am very sure, was the most annoying guy in a line, ever, ever in the history of human kind…like since we walked upright. He was not only a cell phone loud talker but a conversation dropper too. He kept trying to nerd his way in. I didn’t want to talk to this Taylor Hicks look alike and his monotone droning about how important his job is. He wanted the whole fucking line to know he had something to do with promoting the concert. I didn’t know you got paid to stand in line, buy tickets, and dork down the general area only to return to your wood paneled house and eat beanie weenies straight out of the can.

“Sometimes, I get sharp pains on my left side when I eat burgers too fast.”

It doesn’t matter, I saw Gavin Rossdale’s obliques. His shoulders were so cut up that I wanted to eat them like chicken cutlets. I may or may not want to drink his sweat…just saying. He’s beautiful in photos and he is statuesque in person. Drool.

Hands off bitches!

The concert was badass by the way. Now, I need to get on topic. The opening band was one that is probably pretty new. It had the emo kind of sound going. I don’t want to age myself here, but I hate it as much as I hate dude’s in skinny jeans ESPECIALLY fat dudes in skinny jeans. No guy should have a muffin top it screams “Hey, I have an inordinate amount of estrogen in my system!”

It just doesn’t do it for me DAWG

So they played and the whole time I patiently anticipate sexing Gavin with my eyes. I wanted those guys to hurry up, no offense, but I was there for Bush.

This ties into a conversation I had yesterday, about TV shows from childhood. The show Captain Planet was brought up. I’m not sure if you all remember this gem but this show was lame, in copious amounts.

Ah bloody hell, is Judge Judy on instead?

From the picture, I immediately have questions. Why is this blue man only wearing underwear and a middriff? Is it a suit that happens to be the same color as his flesh? Did he have a “flesh pants” fashion faux pas?

I’m so confused..

Then there are the Planeteers, kids from all over the world, even Soviet Russia (in Soviet Russia the planet saves you), that are chosen by and underground magic woman to save the world. These kids had magic rings that controlled elements, which is pretty scary to give kids given their capacity for recklessness and risk taking. I’m not sure I want a developmentally inadequate pubescent able to summon fire when all he really thinks about is boobies and Skyrim. Also, I am glad there was a ginger added for diversity.

Then there was the weird kid “heart” with the monkey. How is heart an element and what does it do? Well, it made animals like help destroy factories and shit. Thanks Planeteers, the laborers that cannot feed their family are eternally grateful because “heart” will put food on their table. Not to mention Captain Planet encouraged teenagers to do untold property damage and vandalism.

At least they were more productive than the “occupy” movement

Their leader Gaia the underground R & B singer who has “planet vision” to seek out pollution and uncut soda can rings. Capatain Planet appears when shit gets too real for the kids and they combine rings. He has a grass mullet. He does some floating around and molecular manipulation of his body there’s even some like sparkles and flashes when he fucks stuff up, trees are saved. I want to know what he does until he is summoned with the rings. Bath house, a dirty, lewd, and lustful bath house.

Smooth operator…Smooooooth operator…

I mean based on this, never seeing the show would you watch it? Hell no. That is why I would only watch Captain Planet while waiting for something more awesome to come on. By that I mean the last few minutes like “Ahhh, Captain Planet is still on! Let’s make fun of the planeteers until Spiderman is on!” Which is what my brother and I did every time. That show was the suckiest suck that ever sucked.


It must be rough being the “opening act” so to speak. It reminds me of high school when a dude dated me just to date my friend. It’s all good that’s typical high school drama, but I remember that was pretty humbling none the less.

Have a good day, and enjoy this…

How is a sleeveless t-shirt sexy now? Well it is.


17 responses to “Opening Acts Don’t Get Love

  1. There is an important fashion statement to be made here. If your ass is the size of a Toyota Corolla or larger, then spandex of any color is not appropriate for your wide ass. Especially if you fail to have the common decency to wear a shirt or dress long enough to cover said Corolla-sized ass.

    • These flesh pants scare me on so many levels. I do think that clothing companies should only make certain things in smaller sizes…namely these!

      • And it looks like she’s got a “sweat ring” on the butt too. Yummy.

      • I was duly frightened when I worked in Newark, OH and saw- on the rack, in the Walmart, size 20 women’s thongs. If you know how behemoth size 20 women’s underwear are (one pair of these would be a car cover for my Yaris- and then some) then you don’t need to visualize the wearer of the size 20 thong.

        Although if you are a heifer that size, you could save a few bucks and just buy a roll of twine at the tractor supply store while you’re there.

  2. A Dog With Fleas

    ‘I may or may not want to drink his sweat…just saying’…..this line had me laughing out loud!! Who wouldn’t want to drink his sweat!! Great post and totally agree about men wearing “unisex” jeans and skinny jeans! Definitely a fashion don’t.

  3. Thanks for bringing back fond memories of Captain Planet. Not. On the subject of openers, one of the best gigs I ever went to was Mercury Rev in 1999 (shit, I feel old) mainly because the supporting act, The Flaming Lips, blew the house down. A case of the exception proving the rule though.

    Bug @ STYLEoverSENSE

  4. Mommy Sheena, me loves you!(that was said and meant in a non creepy way) I hated captain planet too but I watched in when there was no other cartoon on TV so that my mother does not receive the satisfaction of getting the remote to herself!
    I hate men who wear sklnny jeans, like are they trying to show their soft side or make the girls feel pathetic about their bodies?

  5. Those flesh pants = kinda hot. LOL

  6. Oh yeah baby! Phat to death and macho pants! I think a mere continent would be far enough space between me and….. those acts of kindness;)

  7. “eat them like chicken cutlets.” Totally twisted, in a stranded-Rugy-team-in the-Andes sorta way. Very funny stuff, Sheena!

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