I am not sure what exactly to think about ObamaCare. To be honest, it’s like what non flammable substance would be best to put out a raging inferno. The raging inferno (or disco inferno) being the mess our healthcare system is right now. However, this is not a political blog ( back zealots!). No platforms here and no opinion other than this; I must find the key to unlock eternal life and beauty, hide the secret, rule the world as a beautiful, perpetually young tyrant that is forever trendy as well.
Well now before this does take an unintentional turn toward debate, I simply want to point something out. ObamaCare may or may not be good for our nation but it will probably be better than MedievalCare.
Let me expound unto thee:
Today, when you go to a doctor, you understand they went through excruciating, soul sucking hours of medical school to earn that degree. You’re pretty confident they know how to read, write, and properly diagnose your ailment and touch you in the “okay” way your parents told you about. Right?
How about the doctors that practiced in the days of yore? Neigh wench, they were not always so handsome, nor as competent as an actor that plays a doctor. Generally, back in the day, healthcare was governed by wealth. Meaning, only the Housewives of Great Yarmouth could afford a physician actually educated in a real school. Of course it seems that a proper school taught such things as; “hyenas are hermaphroditic animals, and elephants are only afraid of dragons.” Below physicians come surgeons, who apprenticed but did not have the formal education of the aforementioned. The poor, infirm, and vagabonds kind of got your “backyard doctor” so to speak, they guy who “know’s whut tha hell he’s doin'”. The working class went to see a barber for a good old “blood-letting” or tooth pulling. Barbers would routinely perform these procedures without any real prior training. They marked their practice with a red and white pole (yeah, yeah like the one’s you see today) to mimic the appearance of bloody gauze that has been washed and hung out to dry. We all know reusing bandages is an awesome idea. If the average Joe was fortunate, he might get to receive treatment from a monk. These guys could at least read medical text, and had enough understanding that some infirmaries later grew to become hospitals. Perhaps you knew a “wise woman who was a lady who knew some sweet ass herbal remedies and chants to aid in prolonging your life to well, thirty-something. Which is elderly back then. Of course the religious folk started burning them at the stake for witchcraft.
I had to stay overnight in the hospital when I had my kid. I can’t complain, they gave me a shit load of ice and kept the pain pills a poppin’. I’m not a fancy gal, so hell, it felt like being pampered to be honest. So while you may not get the most extravagant room, it’s probably going to be pretty clean. Hospitals loose their ass paying for nosocomial infections (disease directly received while at the hospital) that they have a pretty stringent infection control policy.
Hospitals in shit times, um I mean, Medieval times were nothing Beyonce and Jay-Z would approve of, far, far, from ballin’ so to speak. Nope, hospitals were large rooms where all the sick were placed together. So while you don’t get a private room, your ass didn’t even get a private bed. Hospital beds used to hold 4 to 6 sick people. If you pushed your call light for assistance to bathe, well you got a portable rolling bath tub full of water that is shared with other people in the hospital. Yeah, that dude with syphilis so bad his nose fell off? Well, it’s in the fucking bath water. Who’s got the Calgon? What’s worse is no one could come bring flowers or those blasted Mylar balloons that never deflate. The hospital was dangerously contagious and family usually had to wait until granny got better or died…yeah died.
The drug companies are pretty evil in my opinion. I don’t think doctors prescribe simple, natural treatments nearly enough. I also feel that disguising an ailment with a pill only lends to worse disease….whew…okay. Enough. Nonetheless, however Satanic Pfizer may be, their pills pretty much do what their prescribed to do (along with a rigmarole of side-effects). We can agree there right?
Well, it was common for a Medieval healthcare provider (I hope they went to their primary for a referral or they will pay out the ass in shillings without a referral) to just go grab some herbs grind them up and see what happens. If you thought to yourself “Gee, didn’t a lot of people die?” Yes, like all the time even before the plague thanks to leprosy and God striking your evil heart with St. Anthony’s Fire or scrofulla…that will teach ye to have unclean thoughts about thy local merchant and pillaging his anally goods.
Bruises: Cover them with bacon fat and flour (sounds like a fanfuckintastic gravy to me, did Paula Dean prescribe this?)
Internal bleeding: Wear a dried toad in a pouch around the neck
Ringworm- Wash your hair in male urine
The Plague- Drink an alchemist special mix of molten gold, leeches, blood-letting (ya know cut someone and the bad blood is expressed…) place dead animals about the house, eat powdered emeralds
Skin disease- Cover the spot with the skin of a wolf
Insanity- Trepanning which is drilling a hole in the head for the crazy to escape.
Unkown- Cauterization- get a hot ass iron poker and jab the affected area.
Lastly, if all else fails make peace with God who decidedly smote you with the disease to begin with because you’re a sinner. The church freaking said so.
See? It could be worse right? Glass half full playa!