Hey bloggers, Kelly Clarkson fans (apparently that’s MSN’s top search today), and vegans. I’m at the library, typing my heart, the contents of it, right here. I’m looking at a guy who is identical to comic book store guy from The Simpsons and some sexual chocolate. This muscular black guy a few computers down, he is sex. I wanna sex him up…all night…
Okay back to important matters at hand. Ghosts.
What started this topic? Well one evening last week I was in downtown Nashville waiting for a show at The End. Now this venue, while pretty cool, likes to start everything late, by say an hour. Show starts at 9pm means 10:30..ish…buy beer folks. Well, I’m working out hardcore and have decided the empty carbs are counter productive. If Jillian Micheals knew I said this, she would hug me or sodomize me, I’m not certain. Both seem possible.
My friend and I walked by a terrifying old house. It appeared the Munsters were the last to reside there. It was hard not to go next door and ask if there was demonic activity they were aware of. We called it the Murder House of Satan 666.
This turned to ghost talk after we yelled to the house, “Hey, ghosts, are you there? Hello, we’re not virgins but would you like us as a sacrifice? Do you need our human blood to ressurect demons?” No, again, not a drop of alcohol.
This is the problem with ghosts, if you’re a ghost take heed. Listen carefully from the land of the living to the land of the dead. You’re approaching it all wrong!
You want people to discover the mystery behind your murder right? Well, why can’t you just be like, “Hey this asshole, his name is Bob Jenkins, 212 Maple Grove, Killerville, KY 456789…He killed me, can you tell the police he kept my hair and put it on some dolls?” Why can’t you do that? Instead of being vague and shit, or giving a small clue that the living have to figure out. Are you far enough removed from life to know the living have other things to do? I personally don’t want to track down your murderer when Honey Boo Boo is on okay? Lord knows I can’t miss any redneck reality.
Also, don’t be weird. You can’t go scaring people you want to help you okay? For example, the puking little girl ghost on The Sixth Sense. Stop appearing when right when a person turns around, that scares people! No one likes that. I guess if you have to be decapitated and covered in blood ease up on someone you know? Like, “Hey, I’m a ghost, I’m a little scary looking, on the count of three I’m going to slowly appear…one…” you get the point.
How about you bother someone on who wants to solve your crime or has the means? Not children. They can’t pour cereal without making a huge fucking mess, so leave them out of this. Find a local law enforcement agent, detectives want to solve murders, go bother them! You can do it on a dark stormy night if you so please, I guess, whatever floats your boat.
I mean here’s some tips ghosts, think it over, stop throwing things around because you have wrath. I know you don’t want to be dead, but you can’t always get what you want okay? Simmer down, count to three before you think about pulling people’s hair or pulling their covers off of them. They are way less inclined to help you!
Lastly, I am doing hypnosis for insomnia. Don’t even think about invading my trance with your scary ghost shit, like Stir of Echoes, just leave a written request for when I wake up. You better ask nice! Manners still apply okay?
Well, if your murder doesn’t get solved a lot faster then I don’t have any more suggestions. Think it over though, it’s been what 150 years? Yeah, you might be doing it wrong.
I’m sorry living audience that I didn’t write anything for you today. However, you should try Justin’s Natural Hazelnut Butter before you die, it’s to die for.