Hi folks, I’m BAAACK. I have missed you, give me some sugar!
I firmly believe television is making us, as a nation collectively dumber. I’ll go ahead and mention the obvious offenders; Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore, and the list could go on forever.
However, reality TV has been a time filler for better programming for a long time. You know like that freckled face asshole kid who you don’t really want to play with but the kid you like in your neighborhood is on vacation. So you have to sit in his room and view his paint sample collection or listen to him talk about summer camp while every vocalized pause makes you concurrently want to punch his face into oblivion. I mean it, punch his face so hard it becomes a black hole and sucks all surrounding matter into it. Also, his mom is a whore, no that’s not innapropriate.
So what’s trending on television that I dislike the most? MORE than reality television?
Alright, I’ve mentioned before that Law and Order is the eternal flame of television, and is on all hours, all days, most channels all the fucking time. However CSI Miami is following close behind.
What could be wrong with this show besides everything? Well, let’s get specific.
1.The forensic pathologist is either being held captive in the autopsy room or she has a mental disorder.
This lady is always available to perform an autopsy, actually, she’s always alone. I mean, you never see “Butch” fill in for her while she’s on vacation. If you think one can remain in a basement full of dead folks and not be a little touched you might be wrong. I’ve witnesses several episodes where she speaks to the victim asking, “What story do you have to tell me?” Why do you think she asks? Because in her mind they answer. I’ve also witnessed a creepy degree of affection, such as hair stroking or face petting. Unfortunately the camera changes to an highly color saturated shot of sexy people partying in a boat before you witness her kissing, fondling, and possible attemps at ressurection.
2. This is an inaccurate portrayal of Miami citizens.
We all know, thanks to the news reminding us like every day, that America is full of fatty-fat-fats. They take candid shots of overweight people from behind as proof. Now, let me say right here if News 5 in Nashville ever shows a picture of a fat ass that makes me say, “Oh I have those pants, I was downtown today, I spilled ice cream into my crotch when I sat on a bench….oh boy.” That will be a reckoning day, and day one of my newest new diet. I can’t get really fat, or I’ll find Cathey comics funny…no body wants that to happen to them. No, no, according to this show, everyone in Miami is sexy, rich, and parties on boats. Everybody owns a boat or a Hummer. Maybe they party in a Hummer on a boat, who cares they’re beautiful (and rich). Nothing has to make sense when you’re beautiful (and rich).
3. The staff is overqualified to be mere detectives for Dade County.
For starters, you have to be attractive to work CSI. No fuddy duddy uglies on this crew. These agents shoot better than the SWAT team and often go ahead of amored officers in their power suits only to fire all fatal shots. Every time they shoot the bullets they even hit their target while they go in slow motion, that’s pretty amazing. They are trained on all forensic equipment; microscopes, DNA analysis, fancy sound equipment (They also produced an album for Rick Ross).
They know how to do it all (becasue detectives often do serum blood typing or fiber analysis). Although I’m sure why they need it being they catch EVERY detail in all video, audio, and physical evidence. Meaning they should just say, “I already saw that juxtaposed image at .00032 seconds, but I want to show off by having you pause and rewind…and now for my witty remark.” Which also leads me to say, they are witty, one liners that hit with more impact than face on asphault after a poorly devised stunt goes terribly wrong. Which ends up on Rob’s Ridiculousness, another show I hate. It should be called Rob says unfunny things while that white bitch laughs at everything, fucking everything.
4. The CSI equipment and computer programs
While that handy computer searches for finger print matches, I feel more like I am selecting a player to fight with on X Box than I am watching the retrival of suspects. Perhaps fighting with a sexy player though, because even the criminals are sexy, only in Miami. The staff has a high tech laboratory capable of any kind of analysis, ever. I’m not sure why Miami payed for a laboratory that looks like the newest credit union they just built down the road from me. It has like modern glass and shit everwhere, the future needs a lot of glass everywhere. Furthermore, I don’t know what the laboratory workers actually do there. You see them, briefly, but the CSI detectives pretty much have to do their job for them, clearly, they’re incompetent. No one really needs safety equipment. Beautful people don’t wear goggles, chemicals know not to spill in their captivating, dreamy eyes.
5. The agents themselves.
The self satisfyed smirk they get on their beautiful faces everytime they find evidence, everytime they out wit a super smart criminal, every time they fucking speak. I always say they won’t get me to confess to shit, ever. I’d say, “Where’s my lawyer, an ugly one, go suck a bag of dicks.” I’d rather be found guilty in that courtroom than look at their smug faces when I stumble into confessing. I’d also put my fingers in my ears when they tried to talk, yes like a child, because I refuse to listen to their smarty smart remarks.
5. Horatio Caine (this Asshole)
He actually found that in a butt without the aide of metal detectors
I only have room for one bad ass ginger in my heart, it belongs to Chuck Norris, aka, Walker Texas Ranger. I watched Mr. Norris defeat a bunch of bad guys in a nursing home, not a yaht, that’s real. This dude responds faster than the police (who let’s face it are worthless too) and the ambulance (also not needed because the agents know a bunch of medical shit too). He gets like babes, I mean it, total babes to date. They always happen to be a victim’s relative, which means he’s a preditor. I know your playing the “friend game” dude, I know. He’s a police force unto himself. The whole show I mock him in an incredibly immature fashion.
You probably wonder why I would watch this show? Well simple, it’s that or a show about wedding dresses, housewives, or people bidding on storage facilities. I mean what else is on before King of the Hill?