Au Revoir Apartments…Smell Ya Later

My lease is up at my apartments, and I’m planning a more economic friendly move to another apartment with a roomate. It’s tough for single gals and I for one would sure like financial stability as well as the company. This move is bittersweet, while I often complain on Facebook about my apartments, I’m still going to miss what I’ve called home for a few years. I’m also going to miss my neighbors, no, not in the way you think. I don’t think I’ve talked extensively to any of them but I’ve observed them from afar on a level of certain creepiness. So, who will I miss?

The Denim Clad Bludgeoner

Perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions here, but the guy who lives across from me is in the business of death, sudden violent death to transients and hookers. He leaves early in the morning while the dew is still on the grass, because he travels to commit his heinous acts. Dressed in a demin shirt, demin shorts (jorts) and brown boots topped off with a khaki hat he leaves, taking a long wooden walking staff (ready for spontaneous murder). He gets into his inconspicuous white jeep and gives me a friendly nod as he drives away. He’s gone for several days. I know this because when our apartment management leaves memos stuffed in our doors his will remain in place for 3 to 4 days. Meaning, it would have to be removed if he came into his apartment. However he’s home when they do inspection and he leaves notes for them not to spray his apartment with insecticide. I don’t believe this is a worry about chemicals, no sir, it’s because he has clippings about the place celebrating his crimes. Duh. All killers do this. Which is really outdated and not very green. One could easily just save a zip file on their PC labeled “My Insatiable Lust for Blood”. I also believe this because he left his blinds open and I peeked through, there were newspapers everywhere (no I’m not weird!). He doesn’t want pest control to walk around spraying that watered down Mello Yello they call insecticide and discover the missing teens from Branson MS met their fate at the hands of a blue jean loving assassin. He’s nice enough but his eyes sing a song of murder to me, “I want to dismember you, fa la la la la la”.

Tankerbell’s Mommy

I don’t know this lady’s name either but I know her godforsaken dog’s name; Tinkerbell but pronounced “Tankerbell”. This lady is at the very least 400 hundred pounds and she  yells at her chihuahua while walking around barefoot all day. Seriously it’s like president Taft walking around in a house dress. She’s always saying, “Tankerbell, hush up quit barkin’ git in tha house!” These apartments are pretty small and she lives with her significant other, another woman, and some kids but there’s a like several and I can’t discern which one’s actually live there or just like show up. Nonetheless that’s a lot of people for one place and at night their shades are open…yes I look in and there are sheets the partition the living room. It’s like a Hooverville in there. There’s another dog too but it never gets yelled at because Tankerbell is the one that never shuts up. This dog has like a hernia or hemorrhoids because it’s butthole looks like it was pulled out, kind of like a Sonic straw. I can say right now I don’t envy that dog.


Tankerbell! where are you?

The Office Depot Adonis

This guy I often see getting into his yellow Mustang going to do whatever beautiful people go do all day. I’ll assume float on clouds. He works at Office Depot which I discovered by happenstance and not by being a stalker (this time). I went to make prints of my artwork and he was there, we talked about apartments and how much they suck, and well what do you know! He’s int he building next to me. I figured out that he was actually the well muscled hulk of lustful thoughts that jumps rope and jogs around the complex. He drips sweat that could bring flowers back to life.  He’s the guy I for serious, almost wrecked into a dumpster watching warm-up with some high knees. Did you know movies do not edit beautiful people in slow motion? Beautiful people effect the time space continuum and their movements actually slow down so the world has some semblance of order while they are around. I fumbled over words like an idiot, and forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. Yeah, THAT beautiful. Now I can’t just walk into Office Depot without feeling like an awkward school girl or stalker-like. I would like to look into his window.

Gandalf the Grey

There’s an elderly lady who leaves her apartment several times a day to go to the mailbox or kind of stand on the sidewalk and stare contemplatively into the horizon. Firstly, I want to know what kind of US Postal Service does she think she has to go to the mailbox more than once? Secondly, I think she goes outside to steal the joyful noise of the nearby songbirds. She has her name because she wears a grey sweat suit ALWAYS and has matching grey hair. Thus, Gandalf the Grey, plus when you get that old you have magic powers. Maybe her mobility has far exceeded her cognitive ability and she is slipping slowly into the world of dementia. A small part of me fills with fantastical terror when I wave and say “Hi” but she only glares at me with contempt. I can’t say what her apartment looks like because it’s on the second floor and that presents a challenge of sorts. I’m going to say full of razors and Halloween candy. Her plan only foiled by the fact that old people hand out that caramel candy kids hate and never eat.


I'm going back upstairs to wait for the third mail delivery today.

Facking Cool Guy

The northern guy who has several bad tattoes including the black panther of shame and the tribal arm band. He “DJ’s” um, nowhere. He cuts the sleeves of his shirts because all fellas know this creates an optical illusion of muscle. He hits on EVERY woman at the pool maybe even some dudes with bitch tits. He wears sandals and has gross feet.

Hot For Teacher

This woman is the 80’s and honestly I love her. She has the leathery brown tan skin, bleach blonde hair, neon clothes made of mesh net, sunglasses ALWAYS, and a convertible. She can always be found at the pool when its open baking herself in the sun slathered in baby oil, seriously, listening to Poison on her boombox.

I however will not be missed by anyone because I’m that weird fucking girl who looks through windows, stares at everyone, and can’t drive very well in the parking lot. Changes…


21 responses to “Au Revoir Apartments…Smell Ya Later

  1. Actually, you are the hilarious girl with mad artist skills that they all failed by not getting to know. You could make apartment living enjoyable, tho you do know a frightening amount about mass killers …

  2. I’ll never be able to hear the word Tinkerbell again without thinking of this post…”Tankerbell!” This woman is definitely from Texas.

  3. You and I are the exact same kind of neighbor! I am definitely the complex psycho who people catch staring at them from time to time. I can’t wait until I buy a house one day, but for now I’m enjoying my own cast of characters.

    • Www have so much in common, I’m pretty sure I love you. We need to lube in the same complex and stalk in shifts so while one sleeps the other knows ask the found on of our neighbors, I am saddened I have to work and can’t stalk all day. Plus wee need to find a way to look in second story windows

  4. Sheena! Your a riot! Humor sucks;) I think we all have some type of frkn circus around us. I’ve been at my house for 18 yrs and gotta say, I’d love to be a bee( I dislike flies) on the wall at my neighbors listening what they say about what goes on here. Let me tell ya, company’s overrated! It all sounds good til you’re not knowing but want some privacy. I rent a room out to one guy and there are days I’d rather be living in my Corvette seeking tranquility rather than being hit with flying debris from him flossing his three teeth.

    • I’m a introvert at times but that’s the weird little artsy person in me, so I get Moody and have to be alone to create, otherwise I love ppl and well let’s gave it attention BC I think I’m funny…and feed on laughter. I am also a scaredy cat at night and really like having someone there

  5. SUPER funny Sheena! “…looks like its butthole was pulled out” Frickin hilarious!

    • Thank you, I laughed out Lloyd at the library when I put it looked like a sonic straw, like laughed really hard, I’m so glad there is a venue to share these thoughts

  6. Sending you an entirely platonic, not-creepy-in-any-way-whatsoever hug through cyberspace, for making my damn day at lunch time today. I was moping big time because some plans changed, then I read this blogpost and got a big smile on my face, for a while anyway. You are freakin’ hilarious. Oh, and now for sure I’m going to put a “favorites folder” on my “desktop” titled “My Insatiable Lust for Blood”, just in case I die a grisly death in a car crash, so that my friends have something to look at when they’re trying to find where I stashed the porn on my computer. Thanks for that.

    • Thank you! I love these replies when someone says they got a good laugh on a bad day. They’re my favorites. I have a random ideas for blog notebook and it looks like the ravings of a lunatic, so when I die there’s that…and thanks again 😀

  7. Good luck with your move. I think you should write a book about that apartment.

  8. “He drips sweat that could bring flowers back to life” it. This was such a great post…followed your blog.

  9. The only thing I miss about my old neighbour is when he’d finger bang his GF/prostitute. I enjoyed waking up to the sweet sounds of squealing while the morning mist and dew were still fresh.

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